Midnight Mumbling- Ep. 1: Loves, Dreams and Fatigue

[FYI- This is probably going to make ZERO sense to you, I am in a zombie-like state. These are the random thoughts I feel like writing out when the majority of my world is asleep. It will sound like the ramblings of a crazy dog lady who needs bed rest (which I am and do), so…you’ve been warned.]

This prose is going to be short. I am trying something out. Something that I have always noticed when trying to conjure up information, whether for a late essay or an email. Don’t know if I am alone in this, but it seems as if my mind awakens before it goes to sleep. I am going to try to use this to my advantage. To see what comes out of my thinking before bed. Also I find it really fun to write. Anyway, onward and downwards.

As highlighted previously, I love to write. I also love to create, transform…and to help everyone, if possible. To some extent, these passions have been neglected over the course of my higher education. Moments have flown by me, usually because I want nothing more than to leave that scenario, when in reality these struggles can and have played a major role in bringing my “loves” to the forefront of my work, my education and my life. I’ll explain, in a way.

Building that dream career has always been formulated through implementing my “loves” in a rational and mature way. Except, that’s not true. My dreamer attitude has made any goal I created as a child seem foolish once reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t know what I want to do in life! I have realised my limitations, I lost track of the possibilities. How can I build a happy life if my goals have always consisted of:

  • Becoming a vet
  • Opening my own place and calling it Pop Pet Vet (I was a rather uninspired child with names) with my best friend Loli
  • Working on our girl group Pop Girls (again, really cheesy kids), make music with my girls and eventually become successful on that front
  • Using our influence to make the world a better place

In reality, I can’t be a vet. The idea of putting an animal down is definitely a reason for this, but the driving force is the fact that I struggled to obtain the necessary qualifications to do so. My best friend now lives somewhere else, she does something else. Opening any business requires extensive skills in an area that, as a 23 year old, I have not mastered yet. My girls have moved on. They no longer want to make music. As individuals, we were always going to find loves outside of the group. I just didn’t think we would lose sight of the “big picture”.

So at one point in my life I knew exactly what I wanted to do, I had goals, I felt confident in receiving happiness through these goals. Now my goals act more as trading cards, which are used to have a constant game of “Rationale This!” with God. Except, I have been playing it all wrong. Using the wrong trading cards and playing way too safe for my own good. Akin to many older or complex books, it seems as though my initial goals have been misinterpreted too specifically. Perhaps another inflection could bring these goals of mine closer to a reasonable, yet exceptional rationale. So I came up with this:

  • Work towards helping and protecting animals
  • Creating my own organisation, where my ideas and plans can come to fruition with support from others and without demands or censorship
  • Enhancing my creative outlet and knowledge amongst friends, for fun or as a potential tool of awareness
  • Use any influence I gain to make the world a better place

The reality now is that I have acquired a degree in conservation and I want to pursue a masters in the same field. This will help to initiate my steps in finding out how I can contribute to creating a stable connection between the environment and the human race. To lead a group of my own through this development, ensuring a constant support from those around me is something I will fight to obtain. If this means learning business, finance, law and policy then so be it. I will learn everything possible about music, culture, art and theatre. It is something I truly love and enjoy doing so with like-minded individuals or by myself. Even if my girls aren’t a part of this, they will always be my girls.

It seems as though my goals can be brought to present day with another outlook and a fresh start. Although there seems to be an anomaly in that initial list that younger me forgot to highlight through her constant focus on the first few steps. The only way any of these goals can meld together into what I see as a truly happy life, is if they lead toward influencing the world into a better place to live and grow as flawed human beings. I will use my current goals to do so, using my voice. My words can travel, they bring characters to life. These characters display moments that will have you laughing, crying, wondering. With this ability, I will do my best to bring the characters created by the quiet individual to the eyes and ears of those willing to use those instruments.

I think that is probably the most rational conclusion I can conjur up at half past three in the morning. And I like it. I need to embrace my pros and my qualities without the fear of backlash. On occasion, it can be a weakness, but I will use my voice as my strength. I hope this inspires you to use your strength. Find those hidden dreams and put them into a reality. If I can try, you should too.

 

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