Midnight Mumbling- Ep. 1: Loves, Dreams and Fatigue

[FYI- This is probably going to make ZERO sense to you, I am in a zombie-like state. These are the random thoughts I feel like writing out when the majority of my world is asleep. It will sound like the ramblings of a crazy dog lady who needs bed rest (which I am and do), so…you’ve been warned.]

This prose is going to be short. I am trying something out. Something that I have always noticed when trying to conjure up information, whether for a late essay or an email. Don’t know if I am alone in this, but it seems as if my mind awakens before it goes to sleep. I am going to try to use this to my advantage. To see what comes out of my thinking before bed. Also I find it really fun to write. Anyway, onward and downwards.

As highlighted previously, I love to write. I also love to create, transform…and to help everyone, if possible. To some extent, these passions have been neglected over the course of my higher education. Moments have flown by me, usually because I want nothing more than to leave that scenario, when in reality these struggles can and have played a major role in bringing my “loves” to the forefront of my work, my education and my life. I’ll explain, in a way.

Building that dream career has always been formulated through implementing my “loves” in a rational and mature way. Except, that’s not true. My dreamer attitude has made any goal I created as a child seem foolish once reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t know what I want to do in life! I have realised my limitations, I lost track of the possibilities. How can I build a happy life if my goals have always consisted of:

  • Becoming a vet
  • Opening my own place and calling it Pop Pet Vet (I was a rather uninspired child with names) with my best friend Loli
  • Working on our girl group Pop Girls (again, really cheesy kids), make music with my girls and eventually become successful on that front
  • Using our influence to make the world a better place

In reality, I can’t be a vet. The idea of putting an animal down is definitely a reason for this, but the driving force is the fact that I struggled to obtain the necessary qualifications to do so. My best friend now lives somewhere else, she does something else. Opening any business requires extensive skills in an area that, as a 23 year old, I have not mastered yet. My girls have moved on. They no longer want to make music. As individuals, we were always going to find loves outside of the group. I just didn’t think we would lose sight of the “big picture”.

So at one point in my life I knew exactly what I wanted to do, I had goals, I felt confident in receiving happiness through these goals. Now my goals act more as trading cards, which are used to have a constant game of “Rationale This!” with God. Except, I have been playing it all wrong. Using the wrong trading cards and playing way too safe for my own good. Akin to many older or complex books, it seems as though my initial goals have been misinterpreted too specifically. Perhaps another inflection could bring these goals of mine closer to a reasonable, yet exceptional rationale. So I came up with this:

  • Work towards helping and protecting animals
  • Creating my own organisation, where my ideas and plans can come to fruition with support from others and without demands or censorship
  • Enhancing my creative outlet and knowledge amongst friends, for fun or as a potential tool of awareness
  • Use any influence I gain to make the world a better place

The reality now is that I have acquired a degree in conservation and I want to pursue a masters in the same field. This will help to initiate my steps in finding out how I can contribute to creating a stable connection between the environment and the human race. To lead a group of my own through this development, ensuring a constant support from those around me is something I will fight to obtain. If this means learning business, finance, law and policy then so be it. I will learn everything possible about music, culture, art and theatre. It is something I truly love and enjoy doing so with like-minded individuals or by myself. Even if my girls aren’t a part of this, they will always be my girls.

It seems as though my goals can be brought to present day with another outlook and a fresh start. Although there seems to be an anomaly in that initial list that younger me forgot to highlight through her constant focus on the first few steps. The only way any of these goals can meld together into what I see as a truly happy life, is if they lead toward influencing the world into a better place to live and grow as flawed human beings. I will use my current goals to do so, using my voice. My words can travel, they bring characters to life. These characters display moments that will have you laughing, crying, wondering. With this ability, I will do my best to bring the characters created by the quiet individual to the eyes and ears of those willing to use those instruments.

I think that is probably the most rational conclusion I can conjur up at half past three in the morning. And I like it. I need to embrace my pros and my qualities without the fear of backlash. On occasion, it can be a weakness, but I will use my voice as my strength. I hope this inspires you to use your strength. Find those hidden dreams and put them into a reality. If I can try, you should too.

 

Current Thoughts and a Creative Outlet *some swearing involved*

This is what happens when your head is a jumbled mess of thoughts. Right now I am actually pondering what would happen if hundreds of people saw this prose as a masterpiece and tactfully written… In reality, as I am sure you will agree in due time, this will probably make little sense and show just how fucked up someone’s mind can get when under the influence of the sweet sweet drug known as stress. Anyhow, this literary vomit should almost be a way for my currently dying creativity to rise and flourish from beneath the rubble of crap it’s been buried under these last few years.

So, university is hard. Deadlines, future plans, having your friends show you up with their way better grades. I definitely saw it as “an experience” considering how little I knew starting off. You just know my overall experience was going to be incredibly fulfilling when my knowledge of campus location was brushed under the carpet until 2 months or so before my start date. Well…at least my four-hour commute during the first year of learning an entirely new subject allowed me to build character. It’s not like I missed out on anything. I mean, how is this paragraph in any way fucking passive aggressive??

Although my initial emotions towards my decisions were mixed at best (pissed off at worst), it was without a doubt, the best thing for me to have done. It was odd to have gone through the “experimental” year of university with just skimming the top of a full barrel of opportunities, of which I skimmed well and gained some wonderful experiences, but I was made aware of how easy it is to get overwhelmed by the choices as soon as I reached second year.

After the experience of life with no play and all work, I felt it would be an injustice to the university experience to not pursue more of the many options provided to me and gain more of an independence from my Worksop life. With the help of my charming and confident mentor Luiza, I found a close location and experienced my first year during my second one. It could have gone a lot worse.

No doubt my favourite year at university, second year brought along with it a sense of growing up and maturing that I felt to be almost essential for my progress through life. Not to say I didn’t drift into the Swamp of daftness every twice in a while. This was the year of change, a time for me to find more ground and make the most of everything thrown my way. This was also the year where every possible real life situation was thrown my way and I could do nothing but dodge, dip, dive, duck and dodge. I tried grabbing a few of these opportunities by the balls, but when these SOBs are thrown too fast, they can do more damage than good. Case in point, my incredibly immature and needy personality when drunk or alone (which is now fixed by controlling my booze intake and lessening my assholeliness).

As soon as I had entered the mature world of cocking up more often, taking further responsibility with life and working like a mofo, I noticed that I had lost an incredibly important part of my initial world. Trust me, my wallflower persona is still here and making sure that I remain a fun mixture of in and extrovert, but around that time I was too busy “being edgy” and “Miley Cyrus-esque” to realise that I wasn’t necessarily being myself. I think this was the downfall of my happy and in control mind. The immersion of a child-like mind in a very adult world.

Moving on to my final year, one of the most difficult years of my life to date. It was almost like an ice-cold bath, a snap back to reality after being in an out-of-body experience where you thought you had held your own and nothing could bring you back in. Well, that was the wrong thought. I was fully grounded through a mixture of a shaky divorce, a financial strain, an unrelenting stress at home and a fairly big one in my university, all while still trying my hand at the growing up thing. Replace university for job and this is my life right now, except now I have regrets to fuel that stress even more.

This is a small part of what goes on in my cranium, the constant going back to analyse the flaws in my past and how to keep kicking myself while I am down, the linking of current events to those that caused me pain and embarrassment and shame. This is what I try to mask on a daily basis and sometimes am not able to. I will always do my best to be as honest as I can when someone asks me how I am, but if I were to say anything other than I am good, I am not well or I am not bad, it would probably sound something like this. A manifestation of words with very little sense, a whole lot of babbling and no outcome.

I understand that there are millions of people with problems much higher on the worry ladder than my own, but that doesn’t make mine or anyone else’s stress intake insignificant. As proud as I am of the work I have put into improving on my current situation, in addition to the gratitude of the support given to me by many that I love, there are certain things that I just cannot do. I can’t hold on to a two-man boulder alone. I hope that those with a connection to the boulder can come over and help me lift it one day, but for the time being I can either dwell on the boulder or tell it to fuck off and get back to what I can focus on myself. One day I will get back on to that heavy item and ensure it has received the support it needs, but for the time being I will not let it weigh me down. At least I will try not to. One can hope.

My first two weeks of my third second year

I will have to warn you right now that I am not the most literate bound writer and will make the odd error in grammar or English. You can blame that on my nationality or my laziness, either way I apologize ahead of time.

It has been two weeks since I started my second year of University. Although the outcome of the year does not arrive from two weeks of work, my target was to begin this course, with a better understanding of my subject choice and the organisation level of an Oxford student with OCD. Unfortunately, I began with the same lazy feeling that I normally begin anything in my life, with the most organised item in my bag being…an empty folder.

Life tends to bring you down further still when you don’t achieve the goals you long for. It feels like if you can’t start correctly, how can you carry on following in the right tracks? Should I just give in to the lazy version of this story? Why bother trying, year after year, to start anew when I constantly fail and end up disoriented and lost?

Some of you are probably thinking, are you serious? Would you really be stupid enough to think that you can’t get out of the rut just because you began that way? Others are probably nodding along, sat on the sofa with their eyes on Facebook, as well as this post, happy with themselves for multi-tasking for once. Hey…Procrastinators…get up!

The first group of irritably positive people are right. We can re-write this bleak future of average couch potatoes and turn it into something so much bigger and better. It can be as simple as buying books for your course, be it University or secondary school. Want to go simpler? How about registering your discount cards, which you always make an excuse to not do, as this 3 minute task is far too time consuming…

Being prepared is difficult, but being motivated is not. It only takes that first simple step. I have done those two steps today (for once) and already feel like I can conquer this year with a bang (I know one is completely irrelevant, but I have waited years to get it done). Soon enough, I will have achieved another step which was meant to have been tackled two weeks ago, but I realized that it doesn’t matter when I start it. So long as I start it I know that the rest of the trek won’t be as difficult, or as annoying, or as hard.

I’m not saying that once the first step is taken you can achieve anything, but once you do you’ll be a lot closer than you were before, that’s a fact.

Final summation, don’t beat yourself up if you start something in a different manner, or space of time, than you first imagined. Remove that image from your head, as perfection can only be achieved with a huge amount of time and resources. The most important thing to do is to start, the rest will follow if you really want it to.

I have finally started my 2 week delayed project and late as it may be, what’s the point on focusing on the negative? I have just took a step away from averageness and will not dwell on what it could have been. I’m slow…deal with it.

Blog one is out, step taken. \o/ 

Welcome to my mind

To introduce myself, I am a conservation student with many different tastes and hopeful aspirations for the future. To introduce my blog, it would be pretty much the same. My music taste depends on quality, not genre. My taste in food depends on variety, sustainability, but not ingredients. All areas of what is good, what is important and what is worth debating will be expressed within this blog, as well as thoughts on my own life. Hope you enjoy having a read at my mind.